I’m not a huge fan of conspiracy theories. I’m more a fan of…reason? Data? Peer-reviewed studies? Wacky things like that. Sure, underhanded stuff happens every day, but the point of reason is that you can uncover underhanded stuff WITHOUT TINFOIL HABERDASHERY. Just sayin’.
But, as it’s been a whole 12 years since the last “WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE” hyperbolic screamfest (*waves to Y2K*), I thought I’d look at a great conspiracy theory swirling around Dec 21st. Prepare your Reynolds Wrap, folks, I’m going in.
The Mayan calendar dates from approximately pre-1500s, and uses varying lengths of time. No one actually knows when the calendar begins or ends, but some guys in the 1920s sort of figured out it should have been around this time. The final cycle ends on our December 21, 2012 (I guess. Maybe. Because, you know, the dudes from the 1920′s couldn’t quite agree). Anyways, I’m overthinking this. Fact (snerk) is, the calender ends in a little over a week. Now the only worry is, how will it all end?
Of course, we have to consult Nostradamus. The French apothecary (fancy word for pharmacist) who magically saw stuff. I’m sure these visions had nothing to do with his day job, which was to mix and dispense drugs. Nothing whatsoever. And what is one of his ramblings?
“From the calm morning, the end will come … When of the dancing horse the number of circles will be 9.”
Here’s where it gets cray cray, where we just start grabbing for whatever we need to make it work. You ready?
That’s right! Psy’s ‘Gangnam Style’ is what will bring on the end days. It all makes sense!
- The ‘dancing horse’ is obviously the dance move that your drunk uncle tried to do at Thanksgiving before he called your mom a jerk and passed out in the mashed potatoes.
- ‘Gangnam Style’ is the most popular Youtube video of all time, with at this writing, 940,457,329 views. Once he hits his next milestone, he will have 1 billion. That’s 1,000,000,000 views. 9 ZEROES, PEOPLE. “The Number of circles will be nine”.
So, we’ve established an actual occurrence (possibly, as no one can accurately match up the Mayan calendar to today’s calendar), a whacked-out dead French guy’s ramblings, and a Youtube video. Time to go through the looking glass.
1. Psy used to be an American-hating artist, who in 2002 performed in a protest concert against a US military convoy when they struck and killed two South Korean school girls. Nevertheless, he is beloved in America and even performed at the White House Christmas charity concert. (Excellent, we can now include Obama on this theory!)
2. In early 2012 Psy was invited to the UN to speak with fellow S Korean and Secretary General to the UN, Ban Ki-moon about the universality of music. (This is a RW conspiracy theorist’s wet dream, as the UN is now implicated).
3. In North Korea, Kim Jong Un launched what they said was a satellite, but could very well be a nuclear warhead, that is currently spinning out of control in space. (No real conspiracy here, just that North Korea is shit at everything).
4. Ban Ki-moon has gone on record as saying he favors an entirely non-confrontational approach to dealing with North Korea. (OMG THE UN JUST GREENLIT THE NUCLEAR WARHEAD!)
5. At the Olympics, South Korea’s flag was flown ‘accidentally’ for North Korea’s soccer team. That was no accident, the Olympic committee were trying to tell us they are really unified.
6. North Korea just found a ‘unicorn lair’. As yer do.
7. Grover Norquist compared a balanced approach to taxes to ‘pink unicorns’. Grover Norquist is all about money.
8. If you convert 1 Billion dollars to South Korean won, you get 1,073,050,026,665.2932
9. HOLY CRAP SOUTH KOREA’S MONEY IS CALLED ‘WON’. THEY ARE TELLING US THEY WON THE GLOBAL WAR.
So, we have the UN-backed death of America via the anti-US singer Psy, bankrolled by Obama through his charity concert, and Nostradamus,who was born in 1503, which is when the Mayans were (maybe) making their calendar. The unicorn lair found in North Korea was probably where the nuclear warhead was stored till launch day, and Grover Norquist knew ahead of time, but because he was paid off by the UN (to the tune of 1.073 trillion South Korean monies), he could only squeak out the ‘pink unicorn’ line. Why pink?
The Gay Mafia.
The gay mafia, angry about marriage rights bills being faltered and stupid women having their bachelorette parties at their clubs, decided to end the world with pop music (their most effective weapon against straight men who refuse to dance without raising their arms), hence creating the addictive ‘Gangnam Style’. But how could the hyper conservative Grover Norquist find out about the gay mafia’s plan? Of course, the gay Log Cabin Republicans! But how could the…
My God. It all makes sense now.
Ronald Regan ran for Presidential re-election in 1984, and what was his most popular ad at the time, the ad that even Mitt Romney referenced in the 2012 campaign?
“From the calm morning, the end will come … “
Wake up, America. Ronald Regan is about to cause the end of the world.
(And that, ladies and gents, is how you do a conspiracy theory.)